His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
My ATM looks so different sober.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
