Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
