On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
