There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
