Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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