Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
