I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
so let's talk penis.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
