Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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