Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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