You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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