just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
