Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
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then he tried to convert me to islam
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
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On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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