dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
