6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
