Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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