Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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