Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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