I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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