you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
organizing the empties. That sober.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
