i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
