If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
