Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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