Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
