I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
