We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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