Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
