I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
