My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
