I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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