Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
