i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
