I wish my penis had an off switch
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Can you bring me the toilet please
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Come on in and take your pants off
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