You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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