You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
