my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
