Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
