what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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