Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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