That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
