I faked an abortion last night.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Randomize
