If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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