Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
