The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
