I CAN MOONWALK!
i already hear my dad disowning me
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
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