Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
