So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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