Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
