She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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