textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
