Duck Duck Cougar?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
