Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
