Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
home. puking in laundry basket.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
