Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
