my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Randomize
