I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
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