I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Randomize
