ya dads aren't the best wingmen
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Randomize
