I met the friendliest cop last night
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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