Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
