There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
sick fucks of a feather flock together
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
