Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
