Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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