Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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